In the face of mounting evidence that American society is facing a drastic diminishing of education levels, critical thinking skills, and spine, the White House has created a new organization known as the White House Office of National Education and Courage Improvement. This past June, Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer was confirmed by the Senate by a vote of 92 to 0 to serve as the new education and courage czar. I recently sat down with Mr. Meyer to discuss his organization, what is expected of him, and what he hopes to achieve in the months ahead.

Tele: This effort by the White House, to address the shortage of education and courage in our citizens, which some say poses a real threat to the democratic process, is being referred to as the War on Stupid. Why are we labeling this the War on Stupid?

Dakota: Well, we’ve had a War on Poverty, a War on Drugs, and a War on Terror. Whenever we make a big effort against something, we usually call it a war on something. That’s just how it works.

Tele: Why do you think you were selected to be the new head in the War on Stupid?

Dakota: The way it was explained to me is that since I got the Medal of Honor in the War on Terror, which is the highest medal the military gives out, which means I either kicked a lot of ass or saved a lot of lives, or both, it was a natural fit to have a person with the highest medal serve as the leader in the War on Stupid. Especially where it involves courage, which is what the Medal of Honor is all about.

Tele: What are some of the things you are hoping to address in this new war?

Dakota: Oh, there’s a long list they gave me. Here, I’ll just read some of them. First off, guardian angels. A lot of Americans believe in them. According to this, it’s just not so. After what happened to me overseas, I thought for sure I had a guardian angel. But then I thought, does that mean my buddies that didn’t make it didn’t have guardian angels? That makes no sense. Anyway, no on the guardian angels. Racism. Lots of angry white folk out there blindly hating on blacks, and vice versa. Needs to stop. That’s just ignorance. I was raised, you know, a certain way, being from Kentucky. But I’ve got past that and everyone else should too. Blind hero worship. A lot of Americans get very reverential around heroes like myself, they want to come up, shake my hand, tell me what a great American I am, and basically worship me. That’s too much. I’m not a god. Try and see past the medal to the man. Evolution. Our bodies are made up, literally, of star dust. Apes, too. That we ascended from apes is just a reality. I know it’s hard for many Americans out there to believe, especially when you look in the mirror. I mean there’s not that much in common, say, between me and a gorilla, aside from the ears and nose and mouth, really the entire head, and then, well, there’s the torso and arms and legs, which are pretty similar. But they are obviously hairier than us, and we walk upright, so there’s still a lot of differences. Anyway, the point is that evolution is for real and to think otherwise, as many Americans do, is pigheaded and just plain wrong. Okay, there’s more. American exceptionalism. This is a big one. You know how we’re accustomed to thinking we’re the greatest people in the greatest country in the greatest nation in all of history? We just assume it, right? Well, apparently, unless we travel to a bunch of other countries and see how life is there, it’s kind of not justified to just blindly think we’re the best. Especially when we’re fighting epidemics of obesity, poverty, homelessness, racism, and general widespread ignorance. Because it’s pretty obvious we wouldn’t be waging a War on Stupid in our own country if we were, you know, the best.

Tele: Well, some things we’re the best at without question.

Dakota: For sure.

Tele: Like we’re the best at incarcerating our citizens.

Dakota: What’s that?

Tele: We lock up more of our citizens than any other country.

Dakota: Yeah, for breaking the law. Duh.

Tele: And we’re the best at manufacturing and selling weapons.

Dakota: No doubt. And owning them.

Tele: In fact we sell more weapons than any other country. Nearly half of all weapons purchased globally come from us.

Dakota: I believe that.

Tele: We’re also the best at making multi-million dollar blockbuster movies.

Dakota: That’s true. The new Avengers is coming out soon. Can’t wait. I’ve actually been getting some sniffs from Hollywood. Not supposed to talk about it but whatever. Audie Murphy got the Medal of Honor and then starred in a bunch of war movies. Pretty awesome. I wouldn’t mind going in that direction after this gig is up.

Tele: My point is that there are definitely some things we are best at, but we’re not necessarily the greatest country with the greatest liberties and the greatest freedoms and the greatest people etc etc. At least not anymore. But between you and me, Dakota, we are the best, and if you don’t think we’re the best, you should get the fuck out.

Dakota: Haha, exactly!

Tele: So, as the new czar, how do you get people to think differently about American exceptionalism?

Dakota: Well, what I’ve proposed, and I haven’t got any word back on this idea, but what I’m proposing to Obama is we do field trips to other countries, like Ireland and Switzerland, Germany, you know, other countries, so then Americans know a little more about what life in other countries is like. We could caravan around in huge RVs is what I’m thinking.

Tele: Have you gone on any of these field trips?

Dakota: So far just to, you know, Afghanistan, and I can tell you without any doubt that place, there’s no contest. Most of that country has not seen running water or a real actual toilet beyond just a hole in the ground.

Tele: Are you concerned that Americans will think the field trips are part of a brainwashing campaign to make them think they’re not the best? Because they already think this new organization is just another way for Obama to spread communism.

Dakota: Well, one way we’re going to sell the field trips to the public is with unlimited drink vouchers. That’s actually my idea. Keep things fun.

Tele: I get that. What are some other things your War on Stupid is expected to address?

Dakota: Like I said, I got a long list here. We’re going to start with the schools. But it can’t start and end with the schools. The parents have to get involved. There are a lot of parents out there that are misinformed and just plain ignorant. Also, we have to encourage people to respect learning and books and such. As of now, we kind of, at least the popular kids, look at the brainy kids as nerds. We don’t have much respect for teachers and learning. Also, we brainwash our kids from a young age. We glamorize violence. We glamorize sex. We glamorize war. We confuse and conflate sex and violence and war with our young people. We take something that is taboo, killing people, and we normalize it, we glamorize it. You know, people get excited to be around me, knowing what I’ve done in combat, sexually excited. I can feel it in the way they look at me, the way they shake my hand. They want to put their hands on me. They want to know what I know, and feel what I feel. The thrill, the exhilaration. I think it’s a cultural thing. We’re a nation addicted to violence, addicted to war. I’ve broken some of the biggest taboos there are to break and I would break them again, in a heartbeat, for freedom, for my country.

Tele:  So are you saying we shouldn’t glamorize violence and sex and war with our kids?

Dakota: No, we shouldn’t. It’s not right. We shouldn’t be drumming that into our kids. But at the same time it’s the role of the parents to monitor what the kids are getting into. So we can’t just blame it exclusively on a derelict culture, a morally bankrupt culture. And we’re all products of our environment, too, right? So we can’t just blame it on the individual, either. But that’s why it’s up to us, as individuals, to develop the reasoning abilities to be able to distinguish right from wrong independent of what the State may be telling us, and what we’re getting from TV and movies, etc.

Tele: But you work for the State, you’ve just been appointed as czar, and you’re saying the State can be wrong? It’s like you’re whistleblowing on yourself.

Dakota: Haha, I guess so. The reality is that the State, the Church, the Courts, the Army, the Navy, the Banks, the Corporations, can absolutely be wrong. Dead wrong. Look at how long it took for gays to serve openly in the military. Look at how long the country denied gays the right to marry. Look at the fact that corporations have been granted legal personhood. Look at how they are able to influence our elections and our politicians with unregulated donations of dark money. Lex Looper said…

Tele: Who’s Lex Looper?

Dakota: Some guy on Twitter.

Tele: Okay.

Dakota: Lex Looper said, “The holocaust was legal, slavery was legal, segregation was legal. If you use the State as a metric for ethics, you’ll end up disappointed.”

Tele: So basically we’re supposed to think for ourselves and not just let the current social order dictate our perception of normal. I get that. But why has the State declared a War on Stupid if they know that keeping the public uneducated and misinformed is actually to their benefit, allowing them to do what they want without question?

Dakota: Basically, and I’ll be straight with you, things are getting out of hand. The level of misinformation and ignorance among our people is at an all time high, and the disadvantages to having an ignorant public are beginning to outweigh the advantages. So we have to try and swing the pendulum back the other way, even if it means, ultimately, creating more independent thought and dissent. We can’t afford be a nation of sheep. “A nation of sheep begets a government of wolves.” That’s what Edward R. Murrow said. That’s really why I took this position. I want to protect our people from a different terror threat than what we faced in the poppy fields of Afghanistan. I want to protect them from the terror of ignorance. The terror of compliance. The terror of blind obedience. You know what the difference is between a cult and a religion?

Tele: What?

Dakota: Popularity.

Tele: What do you mean?

Dakota: If 100 people believe something, it’s a cult. If 100 million people believe something, it’s a religion. Think about it.

Tele: I can see that.

Dakota: And here’s something else, from Jim Carrey, the actor: “I wish everyone could get rich and famous and have everything they ever dreamed of so they would know that’s not the answer.”

Tele: Huh. Did he say what the answer was?

Dakota: No. I think we’re supposed to figure that out on our own.

Tele: When do you think these field trips are going to start up?

Dakota: Well, it’s all dependent on our military budget, which these days is way over half a trillion per year, more than 4 times the amount spent by any other nation. If we can lower that budget, we can work in some field trips, and get people thinking about what nationality and country and place of birth really means and signifies.

Tele: Maybe we should be declaring a War on Stupid on our own government.

Dakota: Haha, right.

Tele: Thanks a lot for sitting down with me.

Dakota: Anytime.